Odium
by Ugasaiki
Summary: Hisoka ranting, randomness, and a small bit about a leash that must've got your attention


Internal monologue (aka rant of the author) of Hisoka about well, you know.  
This is sort of a stream of conciousness thing, except the string of conciousness took about three months to type down  
warnings: I never got a beta so there might be...no, will be randomness, some random spoilers, shortness, and horrible grammer. Other than that, R&R!  
  
----  
  
You know those stupid unanswerable questions that stubbornly sticks to your thoughts and never lets go until you overanalyze to the point where there is no sanity left in your mind? Well, even though I doubt that there was an existence of sanity in my mind to begin with, I have a problem that seems to continously loop in my mind.  
  
It's eating away at my already non-existant sanity.  
  
I'm trying to figure out how I can hate someone so utterly, but entrust my heart entirely. The first time I laid eyes on his tall and flawless form, I hated him. I hated his his gentle touch, his rich voice; I especially hate his eyes, those piercing eyes that seem to see right through me and the wall I've built. I try to avoid his gaze as much as possible for when I look into his eyes, I get lost. He knows me so well it scares me yet I haven't the faintest inkling of who he is. God, I hate him. And the real kicker, laugh all you want, is that I can't exist without The Idiot(yes, he's stupid enough to be THE Idiot).  
  
His name is Tzusuki. (AN:big surprise there.) Asato Tzusuki. I first met The Idiot when i held him at gunpoint, and accused him of being a blood sucking vampire. Great way to start a relationship, ne? God, I should have just put him out of his misery then; it'd save us both a lot of pain. Although, when i think about it, a bullet wound to the head would have never killed him; he is, after all, a shinigami. Although it probably would've brought some oxygen to that incompitant brain of his, God only knows he seems like he needs it.  
  
You know, maybe I should someday just shoot him in the head and see if he will try to act constipated every time there's remote sign of the "dreaded" paperwork; or even worse, Tatsumi. I don't get why it is just so damn hard for that guy to just sit down and WORK. Why try to avoid it and dump it all on me? I'm suppose to be the younger one here, he's suppose to be taking care of me. Not that I'll ever admit that to him. He'll just tease me endlessly.  
  
Funny how I contradict myself. I want him to protect me, but I don't want to show him how much I need his protection. Ah yes, the irony of my life.  
  
I'll never openly admit it to him, but I'm dependent on Tsuzuki. Of course, I've done a terrible job in hiding my weakness. Every time I have a nightmare, he's there with his arms around me, whispering in my ear over and over while I cry. I don't remeber anything he says, but his word somehow seem comforting. Maybe it's just his voice, that deep baritone murmuring jumbled incantations of who knows what, lulling me to sleep. It's then that I show him my weakness, my need for him.  
  
I hate being helpless but I depend on Tsuzuki in so many ways that I despise him and his control over me. He may not be aware, but he holds me with a leash stronger than anything Muraki could ever dream of. It's a pretty funny mental image. Asato Tzusuki: leather clad , whip in one hand, leash on another with me on the end (I've got to stop aquainting myself with Muraki.); Muraki would have been proud, or at least drooling.  
  
In all honesty though, if The Idiot ever did somthing like that I'll eat his cooking. He nearly killed the Snow Queen of Hokkaido with his cooking skills (Tatsumi is STILL pissed about that one) I'll eat his food, which is the equivalent of committing suicide, before I agree to be on the end of that leash. You know something? Maybe, next time I meet Muraki, I can offer the doctor culinary masterpieces of Tsuzuki. I will have accomplished killing Muraki; he'll smolder at the opportunity to get something from Tsuzuki and drop dead with one taste. Now why didn't I think of this before? Don't answer that.  
  
Sometimes I wonder though, how would Tsuzuki feel if I left him. Would he care? Tatsumi would probably shoot me if he ever found out I thought Tsuzuki didn't care. Everyone would probably shoot me if they found out, but they're not all empaths. They see Tsuzuki's comforting smile and think everything will be alright with the world. They don't know the pain I feel whenever I look at Tsuzuki.  
  
I've clung onto the world of the living, maybe longer than I should have.  
  
I've had plenty of opportunities to get rid of my sad excuse for a partner. I could've turned away and left him there so many times. He had, on more than one occasion, wanted to die, but I wouldn't let him. I even ran into Touda's flames, knowing full well that I might die, so that he wouldn't leave.  
I knew that if I ever loose sight of his face, his eyes, I won't be able to live. Not because I love him. No, I'm not in denial. I don't love him. I selfishly kept him in this hell because I'm a coward. I'm just a pathetic coward who's afraid to lose the only constant in my life. Muraki comes and goes, but Tsuzuki is forever.  
  
I guess in the end, I've gotten used to Tsuzuki. He's a part of my life that I need to cling to and I'm afraid of change.  
  
I'm still such a coward.  
  
----  
  
AN: Wow, that was random AND cynical. Though it was more of me talking than Hisoka talking, but hey, I'm dealing with SATs right now and I have the right to bitch about things, if only in a indirect way.  
  
I'm thinking about just taking this down and rewriting it so that it's longer and actually makes SENSE. But that all depends on you people!  
  
Oh yes, I must mention: I have nothing against Hisoka, in fact he's my favorite huggles 


End file.
